I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
