DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
