I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
