You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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