She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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