I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
