I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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