I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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