If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
