Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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