i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
