I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
