very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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