I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
