why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize