No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
