Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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