$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
