She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
