I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
