Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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