I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
