tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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