i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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