did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
