if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
