My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
