I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
