but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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