You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
