I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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