I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
the liver wants what the liver wants
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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