You really coming over, don't trick.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
false alarm, still single
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
