i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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