Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
