She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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