I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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