I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize