dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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