The maid of honor just puked.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
