I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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