I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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