I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
