We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
