then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
