Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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