When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i love accidental penises.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
