hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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