my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
