I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize