I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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