When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
