would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
