He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
