I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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