A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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