I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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