Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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