You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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