you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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