I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
