the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
