Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
