I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just puked most of my soul out..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
