I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
