I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
