Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
